*I’ll be uploading my Instagram posts from our time in NICU, followed by a more recent picture of Rex, so you’ll be able to see the difference and keep-up with our journey*

14th May 2019

I will proudly, gaze at this face for the rest of my life

“Peepo! The hours I spend staring at Rex, watching his little movements, learning how he communicates, are some of the most rewarding ♥️ I’ve hit a bit of a wall this past week, with my mental health. I’m really struggling. I’m managing to stick to our routine; I love seeing him, reading to him, doing all his cares and feeding, and of course – all our skin-to-skin. However, leaving him there each evening is becoming more difficult🌛

All the NICU team are incredible, I just can’t help worrying about his care and comfort when I’m not there. I understand he is safe and looked-after. I guess I just want him to be near me. I know that he appreciates consistency, so I struggle with changes, and NICU is all about adapting and change (quite rightly). It’s difficult to explain, but I do end up sobbing in the lift each time I leave. I get home and usually have to express my milk, and, when I’m not at his side, I’ve started to feel angry about it. Im also struggling with feelings of guilt 😞

Sometimes his little breathing mask looks so uncomfortable on his tiny face, or his tubing and wires look like they’re irritating him. If he looks in distress or has a little cry, it kills me. I can’t scoop him up to soothe him, and it’s overwhelming and so frustrating. I’m starting to feel a little powerless, and, as a natural planner/organiser (sometimes control “enthusiast”), it’s beginning to take its toll ☁️ I’m well supported- there is always someone to talk to in NICU, my health visitor has given me plenty of contacts who specialise in helping preemie parents, and I couldn’t ask for better friends and family. It’s just tough ♥️ It’s the hardest thing my husband and I have ever been through. Rex is perfect, and we love him so much, we’ll do anything; but, we just want him home. And, sometimes it feels like so far away 💔

I’m doing all the proactive things I can, self care is still a thing (I eat well, rest and sleep), and I talk/cry when I need to. It is just really hard. And I think it’ll be up and down until we get to bring him home 🏡💕👶 Anyway, here he is; peeping out from his cosy incubator. I think he’s saying; Mom, we’ve got this 💪 x”

Bloody loves the car seat! Haha x

Peace, love, and baby blue eyes, Fay x

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