Peepo…

*I’ll be uploading my Instagram posts from our time in NICU, followed by a more recent picture of Rex, so you’ll be able to see the difference and keep-up with our journey*

14th May 2019

I will proudly, gaze at this face for the rest of my life

“Peepo! The hours I spend staring at Rex, watching his little movements, learning how he communicates, are some of the most rewarding ♥️ I’ve hit a bit of a wall this past week, with my mental health. I’m really struggling. I’m managing to stick to our routine; I love seeing him, reading to him, doing all his cares and feeding, and of course – all our skin-to-skin. However, leaving him there each evening is becoming more difficult

All the NICU team are incredible, I just can’t help worrying about his care and comfort when I’m not there. I understand he is safe and looked-after. I guess I just want him to be near me. I know that he appreciates consistency, so I struggle with changes, and NICU is all about adapting and change (quite rightly). It’s difficult to explain, but I do end up sobbing in the lift each time I leave. I get home and usually have to express my milk, and, when I’m not at his side, I’ve started to feel angry about it. Im also struggling with feelings of guilt

Sometimes his little breathing mask looks so uncomfortable on his tiny face, or his tubing and wires look like they’re irritating him. If he looks in distress or has a little cry, it kills me. I can’t scoop him up to soothe him, and it’s overwhelming and so frustrating. I’m starting to feel a little powerless, and, as a natural planner/organiser (sometimes control “enthusiast”), it’s beginning to take its toll ️ I’m well supported- there is always someone to talk to in NICU, my health visitor has given me plenty of contacts who specialise in helping preemie parents, and I couldn’t ask for better friends and family. It’s just tough ♥️ It’s the hardest thing my husband and I have ever been through. Rex is perfect, and we love him so much, we’ll do anything; but, we just want him home. And, sometimes it feels like so far away

I’m doing all the proactive things I can, self care is still a thing (I eat well, rest and sleep), and I talk/cry when I need to. It is just really hard. And I think it’ll be up and down until we get to bring him home Anyway, here he is; peeping out from his cosy incubator. I think he’s saying; Mom, we’ve got this x”